Should a potato with plastic facial features pushed into it lead Labour?

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If it is broke, put it in rice, go to bed, and pray that in the morning everything is fine and you’ve got away with dropping it in the toilet bowl.

The man tasked with fishing around in toilet water to pull out the broken remains of Labour party was Hilary Benn, who got through his Brexit hangover last month by triggering a coup to take down Jeremy Corbyn — a man who had for too long reigned over Labour on the flimsy grounds that most of the party want him to.

How Corbyn could be blamed for Brexit was beyond many Labour MPs, who had previously unanimously agreed that he had zero sway over any of the voting public. But spotting the Conservative leadership was in disarray, they jumped at the chance to create a power vacuum in British politics so epic that it would shut up suction show-off James Dyson for good.

While taking the Corbyn train to the next election may be a bad idea for Labour (if nothing else, it will need to stop off along the way to be sold to the state), the coup might have been a better idea if there was someone in the party ready to take over the leadership. After a week or so of scuffling around, in which various potatoes with plastic facial features pushed in to them declared their intention to run for the top job, it became apparent that whoever leads the Labour party next would have just as much chance of winning in 2020 if they were leading the England football team into the European championships.

Any hopes of a slightly more charismatic root vegetable entering the race were dashed when Benn, the mastermind of the coup himself, declared he wouldn’t be running, presumably taking his inspiration from the Cameron/Johnson/Farage school of fuck-everything-up-and-then-disappear-a-bit-quick school of politics.

And so Labour members will face a choice; let Corbyn continue running the party until he is the only one left in opposition, or decide on literally anyone else — so long as they promise not to have more personality than a chequebook stub.

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